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A Load of Carp
  by Pops McKernan  
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"Since when did they make Diane Finley in charge of crap?" says Mrs. Pops.

"Who is Diane Finley?"

"Only a Federal Minister of Public Works and Government Services! Raised in Port Dover. MP for Haldimand-Norfolk! You need to get with it, Pops! And now they have put her in charge of crap! Why? She's a talented woman! Why waste her on crap? I don't get it!"

"Maybe it's a mistake."

"On portstanleynews.com? I doubt it!"

"Let's have a look. OK. You've got it all wrong! They put Diane Finley in charge of carp!" (She's got to get those readers fixed.)

"Carp?"

"Asian Carp, to be exact".

"Why Dianne Finley?"

"Maybe because 'Fin' is part of her name? How do I know? Says here that Asian Carp are invading the Great Lakes and Dianne Finley is going to stop them!"

"She's going on a fishing expedition?"

"No, she built a science lab to study them. In Burlington. To test samples to see if the subject is a carp. Before, they had to send the samples out of Canada."

"Can't they tell by looking at them? And why Burlington?"

"Because that's where Mike Wallace is."

"Are you telling me that Mike Wallace is doing a Carp interview on 60 Minutes?"

"He can't; he's dead!"

"Asian Carp attack?"

"Old age. Two years ago at 95! I'm talking about a different Mike Wallace!"

"Is this one alive?"

"Depends on your perspective. He's the Government MP for Burlington. You know, where Dianne put the Science Lab ." (There's a lot of unemployed in Mike's riding, OK?) "These Asian Carp are nasty fish, who take over everywhere they swim!"

"No kidding!", says Mrs. Pops.

"They have been known to jump out of the water and attack innocent boaters!"

"They can survive out of water?"

"I don't know! Maybe. It doesn't say."

...

"Invasive species! So that's it!" I says.

"What's it?"

"Why they bulldozed the dunes in Port! So that when the carp invade us they can't use the dunes for cover! That's why you never got a peep out of the Kettle Creek Conservation Authority. You thought they were sucking up to politicians and businesses, but the KCCA must have realized that when you pit a fragile ecosystem versus giant alien fish, the fragile ecosystem has to go!"

"They must have agonized over that decision."

"They wouldn't have turned a blind eye for any other reason."

...

"So when C-Day inevitably comes, and the landings begin, when schools of Asian Carp line Main Beach like obese smelt, they won't find any dunes to shelter them from the line of fire! Just flat sand. Meanwhile the Asian Carp Resistance, led by the Honourable Dianne Finley, is mowing them down, sample by sample!" I says.

"It won't be enough! There are too many of them! We are doomed!"

"Not so fast! We have an ace in the hole - magic!"

"Magic?" asks Mrs. Pops.

"Yes! The Blue Beach Flag! That is magic! Ever since the Blue Beach Flag went up, we've never had a beach closing, whereas before the flag went up, it got posted at least once a year."

"Soon as those carp get a fish-eyed view of that flag, they're turning back!"

"But where would they go? Where would they invade next?" asks Mrs. Pops

"Some nearby resort that doesn't have a Blue Beach. They would be looking for revenge against the leader of the Carp Resistance. Because now it's personal!"

"OMG!"

Look out, Port Dover.

Editor's Note: Pops McKernan is the byline of writer Patrick Harding, author of Splendiferous, which is serialized in our Regional section.


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